Sorry I’ve been MIA (Missing In Action) but I’ve really been so busy recently (sometimes I always am).
I’m doing a podcast, writing a novel, and doing a few other projects. Yeah, it’s exciting. I’m doing the podcast because I realise who has the time to read these days?
Also, what burns more calories, typing or talking? Well, you see, I can be quite animated when talking so I think that works better for me. I’m all about the benefits.
Anyway, here’s what’s been happening recently in the world of LostItGirl, and when the podcast is ready I honestly can’t wait to show you. Or maybe I’ll just put it on the internet and never speak of it, and if it’s meant to be we will find each other.
Heard of Hinge? No, me neither, but my friend had it and I got jealous of her so I fired it up also. You answer some questions posed by the app so as potential psychos can find out more about you. There’s three questions, and your answers are then interspersed with photos of you looking your very best version of yourself.
One of the questions it asked me to answer was “a shower thought you recently had?”
My thoughts in the shower aren’t that insightful.
“Are my knees fat?”
“Imagine if my PVC Karl Lagerfeld trousers had ripped at the Xmas party 2014 when I busted out the splits in a dance-off (I think about this often). I love you Karl for not allowing that, but OMG imagine if they had.”
“If I wear tights to work today will my massage therapist make me take them off? Because I don’t want cold feet, hmmm, maybe I’ll just wear trousers.”
“I hope my 12-hour fast makes me skinny by Tuesday.”
Would these answers find me the kind of guy I deserve? Well yeah, probably. But would they find me the kind of guy I want? Never.
So instead I answered that my most recent shower thought was “I might get Hinge.”
As luck would have it, I fell in love just under two hours after I got the app.
He was a weird sex person.
Was I surprised by this? Not really.
At first I found his weird sex comments quite amusing.
He asked why I had Hinge. I said it was because my friend did. I asked him back.
He said: “Sex, marriage, anything inbetween.”
Which I found hilarious.
Later he said he had Insta but only used it for porn. Wait, what? I follow Playboy and they aren’t even allowed to show nipples. So I said: “That’s twice you’ve mentioned sex, everything okay?”
Again I had assumed he was joking and I was joking back.
But then I was met with some boring rant about how “sex is natural and bla bla he’s not ashamed, etc.”
I fell out of love and blocked.
By the end of day one, I’d fallen back in love with another candidate.
I fell back out of love when he replied.
Day two was much the same, only this time I was properly in love. I’d fallen deep. Love never tasted this good. My love was deeper than the Thames.
My God his photos were a delight to look at, all my friends were shook. And then we talked for two days straight before I realised he was 22. So I blocked him.
On days three and four I found sincere love in the first degree two times.
Eminem is the first one. He has bleached hair. He’s delightful to look at, he has ok chat and he lives In London. And he’s French.
The other one is Mr D. Mr D won me over because he said just sentences: (“hi.” “how are you?” “how was your weekend?”) and then went straight in with “Let’s go for a drink!”
I was like woah, steady, I don’t even know what you do or what your favourite colour is.
To which he replied: “Isn’t that the point of the drink?”
Not only that but he doesn’t say much about himself on his profile and doesn’t have his Insta attached. He’s mysterious. I like it. We spoke some more. He said “take my number,” I said “no take mine,” and then he took ages to text. It was so sexy.
He asked me out. I went a bit weird. He persevered. I said: “What If I meet you and I don’t like it and I’m weird?”
He said: “I’ve put up with your weirdness so far…”
So I thought fck it. I’ll meet him…