More life…

I chose my friend before the model from out of Bumble. Chicks before dicks is mildly offensive. But it’s appropriate. I met him and gave him the tickets I had got so he could take some other people from Bumble.

He said thanks. I don’t remember if he was that hot in real life, but I looked like a sack of shit so it mattered not. He sent me a video of the gig, I replied with something incomprehensible as I was drunk, and we never spoke again. Standard.

On Friday I went to my boxing class and took it all out on my boxing partner Sabby. We are looking to sort out a double date with these two guys from the class but it’s really a slow burner, and by ‘slow’, I mean stagnant. And by ‘burner’, I mean frozen in space and time.

It’s like being back at school actually, which is fun. I’ll say ‘hi’ to one of them and he will get all shy and mumble ‘hi’ back and offer up nothing else. I think he’s one of those shy dudes who I’d end up scaring before ruining his life. This for me is a super fun thing to do.

Fancy mess

After boxing I was invited to a fancy dress party. The theme was Pulp Fiction as apparently we are in 1997, so I did the whole Mia Wallace thing to the tee (minus snorting heroin) and turned up… only to be the only twat at the party in fancy dress.

Yes, nobody else had bothered. I had put something cute on Sabby but to be honest she just looked cute and could pass for not being in fancy dress. Me on the other hand, well I was in a black bob wig.

My good friend Sarah was there and so I bored her by discussing the footballer’s departure. I told her how heartbroken it had left me. She said: “Heartbroken people don’t wear wigs.”

Then I left and FaceTimed my Xanax buddy in bed. He’s so hot. He wanted me to go round but I simply wasn’t in the mood, plus he told me he didn’t have any Xanax so I saw little point in continuing the conversation. I hung up.

Hen do

On Saturday I slept for a great deal of the day. I had a cold, hay fever, and I had been starving myself all week so I needed a break from life.

Unfortunately, I was summoned downstairs by my housemate to blow up an inflatable naked man and some other balloons. We were preparing for a hen do. I think I could do better at party preparations, but I just kept sucking the helium out of the canister and doing impressions in a high pitched voice.

During the preparations I noticed there was a girl who I didn’t know there. There was also one girl I did know, my housemate and I. My housemate picked up yet another hen do banner (by this time we had displayed 28 of them) and said: “No point in opening this one, we may as well save it…”

The girl I did know said: “Why? Who else is getting married?”

I replied: “Well I have a different guy every week, so one of them is sure to pop the question eventually…”

This was met with hysterical laughter from my housemate and the girl I did know. It was met with deadly silence from the girl I didn’t know. I found this to be interesting.

Then I went upstairs to change for the arrival of some more girls and a stripper.

We played pin the penis on the naked man.

We played dick head (you strap a penis to your forehead and throw hoops at each other).

We all had a sash and stickers.

We drank through penis straws.

And then, a member of the authorities arrived…


The hen had been a bad bitch and apparently needed punishment. Quite why we all ended up being punished is beyond me. But we were…

He came in and did some really weird moves in a SWAT jacket and shades. Off came the SWAT jacket to a Chris Brown track.

He then asked us all to chant “OFF! OFF!” referring to his trousers.

I think personally that if we had wanted the trousers to be taken “OFF!” a chant would have initiated organically. But hey, this was his show.

So we all chanted “OFF! OFF!” and by the power of Velcro they were removed.

Some oil came out which was boring to be honest and I topped up my drink at this time.

Then he pulled out a flag. It was probably from the country of his origin but I wasn’t really paying much attention. He made the hen lie on it and he dry humped her for a bit.

Then he put the flag around his middle and slipped his little boxers off before flapping the flag around with his penis. Then he asked us if we wanted to see it. I didn’t really, but I played along. “Oh yeah… we do really wanna see your willy so much!”

And then he flashed it for about 2.4 seconds.

I didn’t really see it but I’ve seen my fair share so it’s whatever.

A limo arrived to take all the other girls off to a karaoke night but I had a job so I couldn’t attend (I think they planned it this way to be honest).

I was being paid to DJ at a 90’s party (you can book LostItGirl for parties, you only have to ask).

I had promised to join in the fancy dress theme of 90’s icons, but after my experience from the previous night I had second thoughts.

Then I remembered who Britney Spears was and so went as her.

When I got there, some hot 25-year old was there to DJ before and after me. Since I was drunk from the hen party I decided I would make him do my work for me, so when my set came around I effectively stood there in my Britney outfit with champagne dancing and barking orders of which song to play to the hot 25-year old. He fully did most of my job, but I was being paid to show up and have a good time and make sure everyone else did so hey, that’s what I did.

Then I went to bed and had a nightmare about a Ukranian penis wrapped around a flag attached to my head.