No gestures

It’s always good to have a guy who you trust, with no ulterior motive, that you can go to for advice. I have an older brother, and you guys have LostItGirl, because, for all intents and purposes, I try to incorporate a male perspective within my shitshow shenanigans.

It’s super handy to have a trusted male source that you can ask all your weird questions to. For example, “Do guys like tit wanks?” Worth knowing because my breasts are having a really good June. And then he can tell you that no, it’s quite shit.

My friend and I both have a cluster of fck boys around us at most times. We were talking about how essentially it is in no way at all flattering that a guy wants to have sex with you. Because a guy will have sex with literally anything. Hell… “He will fill a pint glass full of chicken livers and fuck that.” “He would drill a hole in his PlayStation and fuck that.” Somehow, I wasn’t that shocked at these revelations.

So my question is: if a guy wanting to have sex with you is not to be read into and not an indication of them liking you, then what is?

A male perspective tells us: “Guys simply don’t have an emotional connection during sex…” Occasionally when they really like someone they can, but really it’s just sex and the person is of no relevance. Think chicken livers. Ffs.

So how do we know when a guy is truly into us?

Take my poor boyfriend who’s not my boyfriend because he’s poor but who also is basically my boyfriend; the most he has ever done for me is buy me a posh lemonade in a tin. Which I didn’t even drink.

He’s actually done nothing nice. No gestures. And fine, he’s poor, so he can’t go down Cartier and go buck wild. However, even on a wage that comes in a sealed brown envelope (it’s licked closed because it includes coins) he could at least do something.

I was recently away for nine days (South of France if you must know), and upon my return had he brought me anything to signify his missing me? Nah, nothing. He just came over an hour after the time he said he was going to. It made me annoyed. Not his tardiness, just that he could have turned up with some God damn baby oil to help maintain my bronzed tan, or he could even have arrived with some flowers. Fck, I don’t know.

But that stuff can cost under £5 and I’d have been thrilled. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture. Although, to give some credit to him, he watched Love Island with me which I know he hates, and he left his kid which is the same age I want to be at some family thing in order to see me. Apparently it was a big deal because, for some reason he said… But it’s beyond me as I stopped listening.

I asked my male oracle what gestures a man does that proves they are into you.

An example was given from the 90’s pre-eminent comedy, Friends. When Ross bought Rachel that brooch that she said she’d like a few weeks prior because it was just like her Grandma’s. Thoughtful.

I then thought about some of the gestures my friends or I had experienced, or ones I had done myself.

One guy went to the cinema on a date and loved the movie so much, the date bought them the book it was based on the next day. Thoughtful.

EDF lost his headphones and was bummed out (probably because he couldn’t afford any more, but for me, I feel it should be against the law to listen to human traffic so one should have their headphones in at all times), so out of the blue a few days later, I bought him some. Thoughtful.

Another friend is in a long distance relationship and always hides something in their boyfriend’s bag when he leaves. Just something small and cute for him to find. Thoughtful.

Once I was seeing a guy who lived in Miami and I’d been at his hotel in London and left my trench coat there. It wasn’t a Burberry, it was only high street. He took it all the way back to Miami and presented me with it the next time we hung out. First off, I’d forgotten I’d even left it there, secondly he could have left it at hotel reception and told me to go get it, thirdly he could have biked it over to my house. Instead he took my high street mac on a lil vay-cay to Miami. Thoughtful.

I think today’s lesson, which I will say “is for life, and not just for summer”, is that unless someone’s making thoughtful gestures like these, they really just don’t give a fck. And even if the sex is good and you think you have, to use a Love Island term, “a connection”, you don’t.

So unless your boyfriend is doing anything along the lines of the above-mentioned gestures on the side, you’re done. Because if they’re not, they’re probably just doing a load of other people on the side.

Which is not the same thing.

You’re welcome. XO