Open to Dating

I suppose I’m open to dating. It’s not ideal as I am a fully grown adult woman, but it is what it is. I’ve wasted two years of my life in pursuit of something with a guy that everyone else could see was never going anywhere, but I’ve just always been a touch slow.

We used to see each other a bit, text each other and stuff, but I don’t even think he knew my last name. We didn’t even see each other for over six months during this two-year period, but I still managed to convince myself it was something, just because it was better than the impending doom of the dating world. Tinder? No, please… Anything but Tinder.

I didn’t really tell anyone about him as I was too embarrassed for people to know, so it was my dirty little secret. But now his interest in me is below zero, so I simply mustn’t waste any more time on it.

This means… D8s, M8s. Date here, date there, date date date! Everyone’s thrilled I’ve decided to reintroduce myself to the dating world.

I don’t want to really, the dating world gives me major anxiety. Even saying date makes me stressed. Participating in small talk with someone you’ll probably hate? Eugh. Drop me out.

Meeting People is Easy

I don’t use dating applications, I tend to stick to the more traditional methods of meeting people.

Tinder

But for me most of the people I come across are either rich, famous or gay. Or indeed all three.

It’s a blessing and a problem.

The Famous

The famous ones are always ill, like totally ill in the head. I don’t mind this because it’s funny and I’m probably just as ill. But it’s best to stay clear unless you can get a mature one that has his shit together. You’ll be lucky though…

The boys in the bands, the rock stars, they seem great at first. They are like normal, but slightly ruined by something dark. They’re a great way to ease your way into the world of dating the famous, that dark slightly wounded by something vibe… It’s very attractive.

Kurt

So these ones, they’ll fck you good and smoke all your cigarettes and you won’t see or hear from them for days on end and it’s really hot. They’ll totally have some sort of eating disorder, like they’ll always have a weird issue with food. But then that dark nature that was once chic and mysterious will become a problem and you’ll see elements of a temper.

Then the insecurities will start. Who’s this guy? Who’s that guy? You’ll realise that darkness within them is from some serious issues way beyond your control. And who the fck needs that shit? Eventually they’ll quit the band and get some therapy and get their shit together. And probably end up like the perfect rock and roll husband.

But who the fck has time to waste waiting around for that day?

Sticking with the famous, you also have the DJ’s. They are all total fck wits and super boring. Of this I can assure you. Any successful DJ is litter. He’s just a massive nerd who’s good at computers and pressing buttons and who got lucky.

"I have the entire Talking Heads back catalogue on gatefold. I make love. And I cry. And I'm a real cool guy."

“I have the entire Talking Heads back catalogue on gatefold. I make love. And I cry. And I’m a real cool guy.”

They’re boring, and they make love, they don’t fck, and they will at one point cry after sex. I’m not saying every time you have sex they’ll cry, but trust me they will at one point. It’s vile. They can put on a super cool persona of course, and you will for a short while think they’re cool. But trust me, they aren’t.

They’re not born cool, you see? They were accidentally invited into the cool world, but that will never make a person cool. The truest cool are born cool, there is no invite to being a badass.

The Rich

Rich ones don’t have the mental problems of the famous ones, so it’s an easier ride. But they could well be tight. Those ones are the worst – rich scrooges. Eugh. If you sense any tight behaviour in a rich one, drop out with immediate effect. It’s a terrible trait.

What the fck you gonna do with all those 28ps you saved by being a tight ass when you’re dead mate? If you can find a generous rich one, it’s strongly advisable to marry them pretty quick. But be warned, they’ll tire of things easily.

When you can have anything you want, all you want is to find things you don’t want and you can’t have. You see? So although it’s advised to get these ones on lock down pretty quick, you have to maintain a constant air that you’re not really fully into them. So no giving up your job or any of that shit.

Marry them, but act like you’re constantly just not that into it. Keep them on their toes at all times. Here at LostItGirl I don’t condone game playing at all, and this could be considered to come under the bracket of game playing, but actually I just want you to protect yourself.

Always be yourself and straight up with someone, but you must protect yourself on this journey at all costs, and knowing a rich guy will always be looking for the next toy means that you need to keep being the next toy. Technically you’re just keeping your man happy, but it never hurts to keep yourself ahead of the game anyway, so don’t look at it as a reason to keep the man, look at it as a reason to keep yourself a kickass bitch. Always look at it like that.

The Gay

So the gay ones are… Well, gay. Don’t waste your time. I’ve tried to fck more gay people than straight in my time and I’ve always failed. They’ll Frenchy you all night long, they’ll grind up on you in the club they’ll put their hands all over you as if you’re the most amazing thing they’ve ever touched.

But they simply will not go near a vagina. I’ve got a really nice vagina. I have had three lesbians, a surgeon and a vagina expert all confirm this, but any time I’ve shown a gay man my happy hole, they’ve been utterly repulsed. I mean they’ve not thrown up, but the look of repugnant distaste has always caused me to slip my Victoria’s Secrets back on quicker than you can say: “But this was a £154 Brazilian…”

I don’t even need to continue with more examples of failed gay attempts. Yes you get on, yes you can’t ever imagine hating them, yes you’d have the most attractive offspring. But how can you maintain a relationship with someone that is repulsed by the one thing other than you’re mind that will keep the relationship fun? Looks will go, your mind and well-maintained pussy will not. But if they can’t touch it – it’s already doomed.

So anyway, on to the LostItGirl dates. See you tomorrow. XO

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