The problems with knowing a serial Snapchatter

It’s 2016, and I find myself with my phone in my hand at all times for serious. It’s probably quite embarrassing. I’ve discussed this before. I have had a clear waterproof box made for use in the shower in case a guy texts me.

I literally never put my phone down, but maybe I’m just holding it close to me for comfort as if it were the late Ursula Britney (my dog)?

No, no I’m using it. I am holding it because I am constantly using it.

95% of the day I’m doing one or all of the following:

  • Texting my friends
  • Texting my current rotation
  • Stalking the Kardashians
  • Snapchatting
  • Insta-story’ing
  • Tweeting
  • Ignoring people I hate but letting them know I’ve read their messages
  • Feeble attempts at Facebook (you know I hate Facebook)
  • Checking my face in the front camera
  • Hating my face in the front camera
  • Googling words
  • Googling words I don’t understand
  • Googling things I heard, like about sixties cults, whether my cough means I’m gonna die, or what Britney Spears had for dinner
  • Writing blogs

I’m just on it all the time, yeah? That’s the take home message here.

Most people don’t notice/say anything/are on their own phone just as much, so it’s not usually a problem.

But there’s always one… Or in this case, two.

Two people have recently brought my “problem” to my attention – my friend Michael and my brother who is called Daniel.

The opinion they both share is that if you are in the company of another person it’s rude to just be Snapchatting away with reckless abandon. But these two people aren’t my real dad, so whatever.

I stay silent and let them rant about it, all the while thinking: “Well mate, if the company was Grade A top level company, wouldn’t I be having too much fun to snap?”

It’s an interesting point

It’s an interesting point. Maybe, just maybe it’s not me with the fckin problem. It’s you.

My attention span is limited, and clearly these two pricks are not fulfilling my entertainment needs, thus directing me into the arms of my phone.

Is it me with the problem? Or is it you with the problem? The problem that you just don’t entertain me enough to warrant me some “space” from my phone. Maybe you’re just boring and don’t stimulate my mind. Ever thought of that?

Most people who spend time with me put full attention onto me. I notice they never look at their phone, apart from this 21-year-old I hang out with, but that’s to be expected from a kid.

So maybe if you’re faced with a serial Snapper you need to up your game to get them to put the Snapchat away. Or maybe if you’re a serial snapper like myself, it’s because of the following:

Social media anxiety

If I don’t Snap the hot guy I’m with in this bouji bar, how will I make my current obsession jealous?

If I don’t take a picture of me in a great outfit, how will anyone know I wore it?

If I’m at a really chic party, how can I make my friends jealous if I don’t document it?

Did I really have a good night if I can’t watch it back on Snap the next day?

Was I even out if there’s no photo evidence?

My hairstyle’s really cute and everyone’s gonna copy it soon, I need at least 4331 10-second clips of me wearing it so people know where they saw it first.

My pedicure matches my shoes. How will anyone know?

My stomach’s on flat flat. How will boys know I’m not a fat bitch?

I think all these arguments work. And no matter how shit my Snaps are, they watch. They are all watching. So why stop? I’ll stop when everyone stops watching them.

Keep up your Snapping. All the while you’re not hurting anyone, is it really an issue?