Questions

So quite a few people have now asked me a question here:

ASK ME

and you can do the same totally anonymously, which is both dangerous and fun.

Anyway, someone asked me quite a normal question actually, and I thought it would make for a great blog piece. So, if you’re ready?

The ideal date

I hate dates, they’re just not for me. When I’ve been with someone a while, I won’t lie, I can be pretty cute and romantic, but it comes in waves, so don’t force it on me.

I’ve been known to dip a perfectly gel-pedicured size 5 foot into the depths of romance at some points when I’ve felt like it. But romance and dates just really aren’t usually my thing.

Mostly I just think being mates is the best way to go about a relationship and/or dates.

d8m8

So my sensible advice would be to do on a date what you’d do with your pals. Pretty simple. Because any good relationship would begin as you being mates and hopefully turn into you being best mates. You see? That’s my sensible advice.

Date Rules

My non-sensible advice and thoughts would be the following:

Netflix and No

Netflix

Serious the chill bit? Obviously you’re chilling if you’re indoors watching Netflix. Just say “come and watch a film round mine.”

Unless you’re planning on watching it on your fckin head while balancing the TV on your feet whilst also reciting the Magna Carta, the “chill” aspect is kind of implied. And for the people that seem to think Netflix and Chill is some kind of recently created code word for come and have sex? You sad sack pieces of shit, people were having sex before, during and after going round someone’s house to watch a film long before you started paying six quid a month for a selection of some of the worst films made by man (and a few good series’). Get a hold of yourselves.

Cinema

Taking your bird to see the CR7 movie may seem harmless enough... But wait 'til it wakes up pal

Taking your bird to see the CR7 movie may seem harmless enough… But wait ’til it wakes up pal

Don’t go to the cinema. It’s a total yawnacaust. You go to the cinema when you’ve got nothing to say for yourselves. And if that’s the case, then fck off. Be alone. It’s better for you.

Dinner

Shit din

Don’t go for dinner. Eugh. Do I need to elaborate? (yes – ed) OK:

  • Food is gross
  • Food is boring
  • Food makes you fat
  • Food can fall down your face
  • Food can get on your clothes
  • Food is stupid

Be Late

Rachel

Do turn up late.

It’s all so new

Never

Do act like you’ve not been to the chosen venue before. Maybe text the manager to have them get all the staff to act like they don’t know you.

Great Choice, Fella

ZEN

Do compliment the chosen venue by saying that: “the zen is just perfect.”

No Drills

No Drill

Do not have sex on the first date if you like them.

Drills

Drills

Do have sex on the first date if you don’t like them.

Drunk

dinking

Do get pissed if you don’t like them

Mullered

girl drink

Do get pissed if you do like them

Sober

Shut up, you're a very boring individual.

Shut up, you’re a very boring individual.

Don’t bother getting pissed if you don’t care about them, they’re not worth a hangover.

CALAIS

Ferry

Do take them abroad on the first date.

Flasher

trenchy

If the date is in their house, do turn up in a trench coat and your underwear (are these tips targeted at men too? – ed).

Essentially the chosen venue or activity is not overly important. The perfect date is about the perfect outfit, the perfect companion, perfect sex and then the perfect break up.

Bye.

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