The seven stages of a breakup

You’ll see many things online about the seven stages of a breakup. But those are for normal people, not a LostItGirl. So I thought it would be a good idea to outline the real life seven stages. Our own stages. Not stages dictated by a man wearing a lab coat and snivelling about something to do with science as he eats a packed lunch with each component of his sandwich packed into a solitary piece of miniature Tupperware. These people are unable to speak for us.

My inspiration for this came from two recent situations I’ve had an interest in. The first was of course Beyoncé’s ‘Lemonade’, where upon finding out about Jay Z’s infidelity she goes through the following stages:

  • Intuition
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Apathy
  • Emptiness
  • Accountability
  • Reformation
  • Forgiveness
  • Resurrection
  • Hope
  • and Redemption.

It’s cute, but that’s a lot of stages and it’s quite involved, not to mention being exhausting. It really should’ve been:

  • Intuition
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Fck Future or The Weeknd
  • Narcotics
  • Forgiveness
  • Divorce
  • Hit album
  • New young hot husband
  • Hit album… Etc etc.

Drill?

But whatever, she did what she did, she stayed with him which is also fine – because what’s a little cheating? In their case, it’s a lot. Cheating is fine so long as you don’t find out about it. But if you do you simply must leave, staying just gives them the green light to cheat over and over again but not even bother hiding it from you. Plus resentment and trust etc… We all know the end to this story.

This happens

My second inspiration was in a friend. I wouldn’t say she was going through a break up per se, because it was really more of a fling. But either way she’s gone through the emotional stages. To be honest I’ve sat through the stages with all my friends and I actually go through the stages weekly myself. So hence the double blog that’s happening here.

These are the stages (in my words) that you’ll find elsewhere online. Contributed by Doctors, read by everyone, suffered by some:

1) Shock

It’s never a good idea NOT to plan an escape route. Shock really shouldn’t come up and bite you on your skinny ass. But I am aware it does. Personally I’ve had an escape route in place most times and I usually can’t wait for the day I finally get dumped so my exit can be chic. But of course there are times when you’ve taken your eye off the ball so shock can get to you, or darker times where there’s been some real mind fucking going on, or worse – you could be in a relationship where you’re actually getting on and not screaming at each other every day so you fully had no idea it was coming. I’m no expert in shock, but I guess you’re all like “WTF?” for a couple of days. Then begin the good ones…

2) Denial

When you’re first thrown in the dustbin I think both LostItGirls and regular chicks will just ignore it and crack on regardless. If you don’t go along with it, it hasn’t happened. I presume that’s what the denial stage is.

Here would be a typical text thread:

Breakup

3) Anger

Once you’ve realised this shit is real, it’s time to seethe. This is the stage where you will often find yourself sending anything up to 48 messages per day, calling them all manner of names and things that you or they might not even be aware existed.

Also, trashing things is a must (theirs not yours, don’t be stupid here). You’ll ask all your fat friends (who are all secretly happy you’re single like them) things like: “He was a stupid prick anyway wasn’t he?”

And they will all agree whilst secretly wondering if they can message him under the pretence of how upset you are but actually wanting to have a go themselves.

Your other real friends will love the anger stage because they hated him the whole time anyway. They’ll encourage your anger. Good friends! They’ll probably also send him aggressive texts too and they’ll wait until this stage to tell you by saying: “Don’t get mad but I texted him to say he is an ugly, sweaty, fat c%@t.”

Embrace this anger stage, because after this the worst one comes.

4) Bargaining

Following on from anger, when your friends or mum or whoever confesses to having had contact with this ex of yours, this stage enters the fray. “What did he say?” “Is he gonna take me back?” “Let me see what he said?”

This stage is everything I hate. You’ll beg. It’s grotesque. You’ll use social media to do so too. It’s the worst/funniest stage to watch from a distance. Your Facebook status will be lyrics from the singer who is called Adele.

Tweets will be stuff like: “Crying a river. #emptiness”

Instagram pictures will be inspirational quotes like “Don’t throw away a good thing” or “Funny how the one you thought you could trust was the one you could trust the least…” some shit like that, I’m bad at making up this stuff.

You’ll text them constantly begging. Things like: “I can change”, “I’ll be a better girlfriend if you’ll take me back”, or: “Hi bae I’m not talking to Kirsty anymore I know you hated her”, and worst of all you’ll actually stop talking to Kirsty or whoever it is the ex hated. You’ll think about everything you ever did wrong (which will be nothing) and you’ll swear to change if only for one more chance.

5) Depression

This one’s good. You’ll hide yourself away from everything, you’ll lock your fat ass away in your room crying over stupid films and more Adele albums, and Ben & Jerry will become you best pals. But then when the ice cream runs out and you’re too sad to go to the shop to get more you’ll get so depressed you’ll accidentally starve yourself. You will get so skinny. It’s major.

6) Revenge

You won’t find this stage in the Cosmopolitan and housewife blogs you can find on the internet. I don’t know why because this is the most fun one!! It’s GREAT to watch. What will happen is this:

You’ll finally leave the house after the depression stage and everyone will notice your new skinny physique. You won’t even have noticed, but enough people will say things like “We’ve been so worried about you, you’ve lost so much weight.” Social media will now become completely dominated by you showing off your new figure.

Enter alcohol, off you go out on the piss in a bandage dress, all manner of selfies are blogged, then you’ll fck someone and cry after – or possibly during – but whatever, you’ve taken the first giant leap into getting over them.

7) Acceptance

Finally you’ve reached the stage where you realise, as famously said by Taylor: “Weeee are never ever ever ever, getting back together…”

You’ll probably listen to this on repeat and dance around your room (if you’re a 7 year old – ed).

Tomorrow we will speak about the 7 stages for a LostItGirl. These will cover off how you really should behave in these stages, because quite frankly behaving like the stupid stages above or the even more pathetic ones online is simply not acceptable.

See you…

XOXO LostItGirl

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