Shawshank Rejection

Even though in the last few months I’ve dedicated my time to trying not to waste my time, I’m not doing very well at it. Things got a lot worse the other day when I decided to plan out my week.

Currently my house is under construction by a load of un-fckable builders. I have my housemate living in my room while her room has become the storage for the work on the lounge caused by a leak. I’m boring myself writing about it tbh. The point is that my home life is manic af, I can’t even get to the kitchen to make my smoothies, and so I’m feeling fat af. It’s not great right now, but I’m assured that it can be again.

Sharing your room with a friend is ok for a while, but it can kind of step on your sex life. Then our other housemate announced she was going away for a couple of days. Imagine my joy at getting my room and my sex life back!

God’s Gone

I texted God first. I mean, he’s a prick, but at least he’s my prick.

LIG: “Wanna see me this week?”

God: “Can’t babe I got loads to do and then I go to China for a week.”

Rather than wishing him farewell and safe travels, reminding him to “choke on the fried dog,” I instead panicked. I decided to go backwards to some of the people I’ve previously encountered. I’m staring down the barrel of not having sex for two weeks or longer, what would you do?

And so I panic-texted some of the old favourites.

Hat Man!

He is a 1000% guarantee. Bless him, he’s ok. He’s actually funny, he’s just out his depth with me I think. But obviously he actually invited himself round that very night. He even rang me. I had him on speaker as I was at that time in bed with my housemate. I explained he couldn’t come round that night. He asked for a threesome. We laughed. He would cry if he even attempted it.

He told me about writing off his car, and then he said he had space for a side bitch. I asked: “Don’t you need a gf to have a side girl?” He pretended he has one. It’s cute. He doesn’t.

Last time we spoke, around a month ago, he was trying to come over but I had God then so I didn’t need him. I’d told him I was looking to “settle down” and that he wasn’t ready to commit so it’s best we don’t hang out ever again. By pretending he has a gf he’s trying to get me to flip out because he is apparently ready to settle down too. He’s very easy to read. There is no gf. And there never will be.

This is what Hat Man does. He lies. And this has backfired on him before. Good to know I can summon him over this week though.

Pre-Lostitgirl era bullshit

And then I did the ultimate stupid thing. I texted someone who for the purposes of this blog I’ll call ‘Ill Bill’. I’ve not actually ever applied an epithet of my own to this guy. I mean, his real name’s fckin hilarious enough. But Ill Bill works for now.

I don’t even know where to start with the wonder of this guy. We started hanging out around four years ago, and the whole shambles has never quite been killed off, despite many attempts. He just bounces back like a fckin rubber ball. I block. I unblock. I tell him I never want to see him again. He goes all namaste about it. I can call him a stupid cunt and he will namaste it and still speak to me. He’s crazy. He makes me crazy.

I shouldn’t have texted him. Right now he is completely over-texting me back, but I’m not falling for his crazy shit. And I am NOT going to see him.

Except that I am.

I’ve booked him in for next week.

Like most stupid, slightly pathetic things that happen in this world, I blame it all on God.