Slothed it girl

Oh dear, I am such a sloth. I get one day each week when I am, for want of a better word, empowered to be able to take control of my life and do as I please. I’m not required to attend anything at any time, do anything, earn any money, talk to anyone, pretend to like anything etc, etc. It’s a whole day free from commitments.

This is a sloth. Relaxing, scratching, smiling, enjoying.

I love this day because it’s fun. Although because I’m just not one of those lazy people I naturally will wake between 7am and 9am every day no matter what. I’ll always wake up early, it doesn’t matter if I went to bed at 5am. My body will still say: “Ok up you get now mate,” around 8am. 9am if I’m very fortunate.

But I don’t get up at this time, oh no… No I do this here. Click on that to learn about my mornings.

On this particular day of nothing I woke up at 9am after going to bed at 3am. Alex, my housemate, came into my room at about 2am because she was stuck in her waist trainer.

I’d just rolled in and was swigging Jack Daniels neat from the bottle. I was apparently livid about something (by something I mean someone) and after untangling her from her waist trainer and her hair which had smothered itself across her face and caught up in the waist trainer hooks in her struggle to get out of it.

After freeing her I apparently opted to put on a one man stand up show to update her on my story, whilst swigging from a bottle of Jack and smoking Vogue menthols in my room. This is something I never do. Things are bad if this happens. Smoking when not on holiday, and smoking in my room flags up a crisis.

I did that routine to my audience of one for a bit before falling asleep around 3am. Oh and also I had a text conversation with a guy. He’s in a West End show as far as I can tell from the texts. Like a main part, it’s a big deal, and he’s pretty fit. I’d bumped into him in Central and he texted me later that night to tell me it was nice to see me (no shit fella, I’m sure it was).

Anyway I’m sure he regrets it now, because I just told him stories about my dead dog and asked if having a main part in a West End show was a big deal? I’m literally so hilarious. Anyway he’s invited me to go see his show and I’m going to take my mum. Firstly I’m going because mums love that shit, right? Secondly I really liked his coat (yes it’s that simple with me) and thirdly because he didn’t naturally assume the guy I was with when we bumped into each other in Central was someone I was fcking.

Now you could look at this as insulting, why wouldn’t I be having sex with this guy who’s with me late night in Central?

But I’m turned on by that kind of confidence. Plus the guy I was with was short, so I’m glad he knows me well enough to know I’d never date a short guy (there are exceptions to this but I can’t be bothered to tell you them, plus they’re very rare).

“There’s exceptions?!!”

When I woke up super early I had many messages. Don’t you just hate those nights? You just know that shit went down when you wake up to a ton of messages from a ton of different people.

Anyway I dealt with all that whilst swigging coconut water in bed. I then realised I was starving, so I made a gluten free bagel (it’s my day off. Fine it’s gross but whatever). I ate maybe a third of this and went straight back to bed. I wanted to nap because all the drama and the alcohol and my general week had exhausted me.

But then some music started playing. Eugh. By that point it was midday so I was like fine, I’ll take my fat ass to the gym and work off those four bagel bites. So I washed and got into my gym kit and put my delicates on a white wash no spin cycle.

Then I had to take a 30 minute call from my friend Pandora.

So naturally in my gym kit I got back into bed to do this. Then I fell asleep. And when I woke up it was like 5pm or something.

So then I was like well it’s basically Saturday night now and I’ve achieved exactly nothing. I’ve actually spent, aside from maybe 12 minutes, the whole freakin day in bed.

Then my house mate called up to me to tell me the really exciting news that the electric was about to run out. Eugh yes we are on a metre because the people that lived in the house before us were very poor. So I decided to walk to the shop and top it up. This was the fckin highlight of my day. Spending a hundred quid on some electric, buying a litre bottle of volvic and a 4-pack of coronas.

Anyway I could have gone to East London to watch the rap artist who is called Kano but where I’d been such a total sloth all day the thought of hauling ass across town just didn’t work for me. He’s really not worth the effort.


So then I just put on a film. I don’t even know what it was called. I watched it. It was ok.

Then I fell asleep.

Slothed it girl or what? FS. But I suppose once in a while it’s ok to do this. I just really wasn’t in the mood to hang out with anyone or do anything. But it’s really something I like to save for days I’m suffering from either a pet dying, finding out I’ve put on 5 lbs, a guy I really like turning out to be bad in bed. You know, important things like that, the serious problems in life.

Bye y’all. Don’t forget to comment or talk to me anonymously here.