So Cliché

I just love the cliché sayings people in couples like to hand out to single people as some kind of advice.

“You’ll find it when you least expect it,” is one of my total faves. Also known as: “You’ll meet someone when you stop looking,” and sometimes heard in the form of: “When you stop looking for someone you’ll find the one.”

Fck off.

Just to quickly pee all over that dumb theory, I am doing my annual thing (maybe bi-annual), where I ignore every single man who isn’t gay or related to me. I hardly go out and I abstain from social media. I’ve been in this phase since January. It’s not a conscious thing, it happens fully organically, gluten-free, vegan-friendly, and totally high in fibre. It’s so natural you’d think it was plucked from a ripened tree within the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, wherever the fck that place is.

I hadn’t even realised what I was doing until four weeks in when I was like: “Oh fck, I’ve not thought about, seen or spoken to a man, and also, I don’t care.” Actually, it was a friend who pointed it out to me.

Hand on heart, right now and for the past few weeks my interest rate in men is so far below zero, Antartica called to see if I had any tips on global warming. I don’t.

I’m not even remotely interested or ready to get back into a rotation right now, I simply couldn’t give any less of a fck.

The two main twats I was wasting my time on before are still lurking around. One messages and watches my social media stories daily and has asked to see me, the other says fck all and watches occasionally and isn’t at all asking to see me. He’s the one I’d see if I were to give in because he’s the one that has no interest in me.

The dating apps are both safely deposited in the app bin; the one that’s for famous/rich people and that one for when you see people in the street you wanna fck.

I wish I could tell you the secret of how I manage to successfully rid myself of all care regarding my singledom, but I honestly don’t know. What I do know, is that my sleep is awesome, my skin is glowing and I have zero to be pissed about.

It wasn’t until I was watching some shit on TV and someone said to a hot single person: “You’ll find it when you least expect it,” that I laughed and thought: “Well if that were true, wouldn’t I have a queue of hot single rich men outside my front door?”

Frankly, if that actually happened, it would be nothing but a nuisance. Particularly on bin day. But I can tell you I’ve not seen or spoken to no dudes. I can wheel the bin out free as a bird, no swerving male-shaped obstacles in my front garden.

So if my eye is totally not on trying to meet someone, and I’m not looking at anything but Netflix, and I’m most certainly not expecting it since I didn’t even realise I’d stopped thinking about guys, then how is that stupid saying a thing?

Of course, it’s a load of crap. I mean obvs the only tiny element of truth is that if you’re actually running around for serious, desperate af, trying to get with anyone with a vague pulse, well, we can all sense that and it’s pretty off-putting and really rather disgusting.

But also, doing the exact opposite doesn’t work. Actually, none of it does. I’ve got a batch of desperate friends who have scared off everyone but then found other desperate people and it’s been catastrophic (two desperates equals train wreck). I’ve got friends who don’t give a fck and never meet anyone, and also friends who don’t give a fck and end up practically married. I think it’s safe to say there’s no science behind it.

Save the clichés. The best one I can think of is this: “It might happen when you’re not a complete cunt. PS: It will never happen.”