Social Media Guy Help

A girl I know has met a guy. They met on a night out, swapped numbers and have been talking ever since. It’s cute when that happens, right? Wrong.

It is not cute, because this girl is going fckin crazy. They haven’t yet been on a date, but already it’s doomed because they have made the fatal mistake of adding each other on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and are talking on WhatsApp. It’s partly embarrassing.

I shot this girl with some ways to stop herself going crazy and scrolling through pictures from 1999 and friend lists, and she replied “great advice”.

I thought: “Yeah, it fckin is.”

So now I’ll share it with you also.

WhatsApp woes

Never ever message them on WhatsApp. Ever. Keep your messaging to iMessage only.

If they’ve given you their number and they don’t have yours, so you need to do the first message, do it via iMessage.

If they have your number, upon giving it to them tell them that you don’t have WhatsApp.

If neither of these practices can be put into place and you’re forced into WhatsApp, the second you send or reply to a message swipe left and drop them in the archive until you hear from them next. Out of sight, out of mind.

The reason you need to do this is because I don’t enjoy getting messages from girls saying:

“He’s online and not replying.”

“He’s online at 2am, who do you think he’s talking to?”

This shit is fully unacceptable. How do you know he’s online? Why the fck are you looking? Do not look. Who’s he talking to at 2am? Probably another girl, but it could be a friend; then again, it ain’t your damn business. STOP LOOKING. You’re only making yourself crazy.

I’m online all the time talking to my gbff or my brother or even my mum or my friends. I’m constantly talking on there, but no guy needs to worry about who I’m talking to and whether it’s a guy, because it’s not, they are all over on iMessage. They should be concerned when I’m not online to be honest.

Even innocuous innocence can make a bitch crazy. Control it. Avoid WhatsApps with guys, and if you can’t, just don’t look. Please don’t look.


Really the same rules apply as WhatsApp, but at least you don’t have timestamps and last seen and read receipts to go mad about. Instead, it’s the indirects and seeing them talking to people. But guess what? You don’t have to. Twitter has the mental gold of a mute button. I have more muted people I follow than I do blocked contacts on my iPhone (which FYI is rather a lot).

I mute the fck out of people that piss me off. Hat Guy is muted since his massive do-gooder tweets began, which actually were just needy tweets for attention. So he just got muted.

Aside from muting to make it a safe place for me to read articles on the royals and the benefits of faux fur, I keep my Twitter on the replies page. Therefore, when I open it I’m not going to see anything I don’t want to, I’m just going to see things that directly involve me; like who’s added me or favourited my hilarious tweets. Then I can safely go to the search bar and find out what Britney’s been up to, or search Vogue to see Celine Dion’s latest look.

That’s how I avoid Twitter sending me mad.

This girl sent me a tweet of his, and had somehow decided it was about her. I couldn’t see how whatsoever, but she had her reasons.

And her reasons were that you can make anything about yourself if you try hard enough. Look at Kim Kardashian. She can make natural disasters about herself. It’s chic really, but don’t do it. Avoid looking and see how much more zen you feel.


Here, you have no mute. So what you need to do is spend a moment searching all your favourite people that you follow.

So mine goes as this (in no particular order):


Animals in clothes



Hot old guys




Midget memes


Harpers Bazar

Olsen Fan Page

These are all the pics I actually enjoy seeing. If you search and like them enough they instantly are put at the top of your feed, thus halving your chances of seeing anything you don’t want to; like that idiot you had to follow because they work with you, or that annoying bitch you had to follow back because she lives with you, or your best friend or whatever. You don’t have to see their shit, and it feels fantastic.

When it comes to Insta stories, why on earth you’d watch someone’s sad life portrayed via a short story is beyond me.

The other day I watched my gbff’s Insta story. He was in Ibiza, so I thought it might be chic. It was not, it was shit. I found myself watching a bowl of fckin blueberries and a stupid boomerang of him doing a ridiculous pose. I’ll never make that mistake again.

But what I can tell you is the people that watch my Insta stories, which is a lot because I don’t post pictures of bowls of fruit, those at the top are renowned fans of mine, also known as psychos. So let me just warn you that the more you watch, the more you sit atop of the leaderboard. It’s a place you don’t want to be.

When this girl was watching his story for the 19th time, all I could think was: “You’ll end up at the top at that rate.”

If you’re going to watch a guy’s story, do it just the once, or use someone else’s account.


Just delete Facebook immediately.


If you’re over 16 and Snapchat is a thing for you for serious, you might want to re-evaluate your life choices.

FYI, I have both, and I use them on an hourly basis. But I’m beyond help, I’m just trying to help others.