Shout goes out to everyone stopping fun for October. It’s super charitable to do this, although one hopes those involved know how to do it properly. They’re meant to stop something for the whole month, then people pay them for doing so. Then they must give it all to charity and post lots of updates about it all on social media.

I will be donating money to a charity for my STOPtober. It’s called “Pets with Problems”. It’s a great charity that offers therapy for depressed goldfish, or rabbits with OCD.


I’m not going vegan though, because the regularity of my whole coming home pissed at 2am and stress-eating a block of cheese under the cold light of the fridge door thing is too prominent a part of my routine to be forsaken. I also can’t give up drinking since it’s actually worse to stop drinking for a whole month, before on the 31st getting totally white girl wasted and throwing up in your own hair. It’s a fact, I read it in science.

I am, however:

Giving up my rotation.

All proceeds go to “Pets with Problems”.

Here’s how that’s gone, what with us now being on something like day nine. Is it the ninth today? Sure is man.

Seven days

The first seven days flew by, and it was great. I was so silent. It helped also that I got my period in the first seven days and then ran away to my mum’s because there is absolutely no chance of me seeing a guy in the one horse town within which she lives.

My prediction of God being the first to break the silence was wrong. It turned out to be 50. This was on day six.

He Snapchatted me while I was in the cinema watching that Lady Gaga film. I hated it. Lame and unrealistic. I can tell you now, ain’t no famous dude gonna pick you up in a drag bar, fck you, fly you out somewhere chic, think you’re talented, tell you, make you famous, marry you, and live happily ever after. It’s just not ever going to happen. I know this because it would have happened to me by now. If you can find a guy to do even one of the aforementioned list then that’s a real result you’ve had right there.

I totally aired 50 until the next day when I eventually opened it. It said: “Please block me or something from watching your Snapchat story LOL”

He’s obsessed with my Snap life. I asked him why and he said it’s because his own life is super boring. I didn’t reply and tell him that his life is super boring because he himself is also super boring so that’s probably why. Instead we spoke a bit and I said I could see him the following weekend but he said he was away until next Tuesday. That, for entertainment value, was about as worthwhile as silence.

I know what you’re thinking: “It’s STOPtober and you’re having a conversation with 50.”

Yeah, well I live by my own rules, not anybody else’s, not even my own. But I decided that replying was fine, since he started it. My STOPtober really relates to not being the first to instigate a conversation, and not watching anyone else’s shit on socials.


Then, God came out of the woodwork. He hadn’t watched a single Snap whilst he was on his travels, and instead binge watched all 700 of them in one shot. But he didn’t reply.

I was furious.

So I returned to London, did more Snaps, and he watched with an obsessive compulsion.

He then did his own, and in a moment of weakness I replied. His Snap was so goofy, I just couldn’t not call him out for it. The Snap was of his lap as he drove around London listening to some shit song.

I was like: “Dude wtf is this? Do people message you and say ‘great snap there man’?”

He ignored me.

I got madder.

I did some Snaps.

He watched them immediately.

I got even madder.

So I sent “LOL”.

He read and ignored.

I did more Snaps.

He watched them immediately.

I went LOSTIT.

I HAD to tell him about himself. After all, it is STOPtober and I needed him to stop being a total ASS CLOWN.

I messaged him and told him about himself.

“You’re mad and you are rude. FCK YOU.”

He ignored.

I then did some Snaps.

He watched immediately.

Well, I just had to laugh.

Who ignores messages from someone but binge-watches their story? I’m now in love with him. I’ll never speak to him again.

Illy Billy

With STOPtober now basically a complete unsalvageable write-off, I nipped over to Ill Bill to see how he was getting on.

I die.

We spoke, it became somewhat flirtatious, and then he sent me a DM. The DM stands for Donut Menu. He sent me a picture of a menu of donuts. True story. It was like he ran up to me and threw a bucket of ice cold water on me.

I don’t want a Goddamn Donut, I want D with nuts. Or something.

The take home message here is that STOPtober is going great. It’s not going so great for “Pets with Problems” because so far I’ve lost them £1,256… But let’s not count that. Let’s start from now.

The only way I will meet a better rotation of hootenannies is with complete silence. I must remember this. Those depressed pets need me, I’m no longer doing it only for myself. Come on LIG, you can do this.