Quite recently, the LostItGirl team messaged to inform me that someone came on to the Ask Me page to tell me that my advice is terrible, also that I hurt those closest to me, and that I need help (Amen sister – ed).
And while we’re not so sure whether they are actually a stranger, or if it’s someone we know quite well, there are two points that stand out from the cute message: Firstly, their pseudo psychiatric analysis equates to pop psychology at best, and secondly, it’s still pretty much on the money.
However, those closest to me have confirmed that nobody has contacted them to research whether they are hurt or not. So they missed out on that one, which sometimes happens with speculation.
Trolling is ok with me, God knows the bravery people show when they are anonymously typing stuff into a phone or computer really is something to behold.
Not in the spirit
So, although I was happy to help this person get some thoughts off their chest, I was slightly concerned that the blog has been taken not in the spirit with which it is intended – once again!
Don’t get me wrong, from all your messages, comments and the site visits, it’s clear that 90% of our readers take it as it should be taken: not really very seriously, just as a bit of light-hearted reading during the morning commute, or on the toilet, whatever.
But actually, I looked over some of the advice we’ve been peddling and I have to say it’s not bad advice at all (even though I’m biased af).
“Don’t send a text to someone calling them a cunt.”
Yeah I’ll go with that. Not much good will come as a result.
“Don’t message someone to tell them you have chlamydia, call them.”
This also resonates with me on many levels.
But people don’t get all up in their feelings when you offer obvious, normal advice. So now, for the benefit of this and any other visitors that want advice they can really consociate with, here is a collection of the shittest advice I can muster. Please follow all:
Always send people messages anonymously
I think everyone should open up a fake Twitter account, and troll people. But for heaven’s sake don’t let anyone find out who you are. Make sure your profile avi is a little egg and totally use a fake name. Once you’ve decided what platform to contact them on be sure to inform them of your feelings. It’s pretty much the coolest thing to do in 2017.
Be naked as much as possible
I used to deliver a lot of fashion advice in the old days. But now I think it’s important to embrace our natural naked beauty. And also pyjamas. So my advice now, is to just go around bare. If that’s too out there, then pyjamas are also fine for all social occasions/work etc… This isn’t something new, just a quick trip to fashion capital, the big ASDA (Walmart for our American readers), confirms this pyjama thing is already poppin’. Personally though, I prefer to go naked.
First date? Tell him you love him four times before midday
Usually we advise that when it comes to guys, men chase and woman don’t. We believe that in today’s heteronormative society that’s the only way you can successfully keep a man around. Now, I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it is the case. Men are permanently shadowed by temptation and are scientifically proven to really quite like the chase. So fckin give them one. On no wait, I’m doing terrible advice. Text him at least four times explaining your feelings before midday. Begin every text with those there words every guy wants to hear after a first date: “I LOVE YOU”
I find myself permanently ignoring people, especially my housemates. It’s on purpose. I like to keep people guessing about where they stand. But also I think as a child I just learned to zone the fck out, and I’ve carried it into my adult life. Hearing some fat builder tell me I’ve got great tits isn’t going to improve my day, far from it. So I zone out to pretty much everything, especially other people’s problems, because all they do is ruin my day. If a friend (and they always do) texts me a ton of shit about how negged they are feeling it just ruins my zen. But this was wrong. Now I say don’t live in your own world protecting yourself from its negativities. Embrace all of it. Try and take in as much negative bullshit as possible before your morning green tea. Find as many bullies, negative people and aggressive people as possible and attempt to be their friends.
More is less, more or less
I always said that less is more. This was based on extensive research into the texting of guys and how to get and keep their attention. I found out that you need to keep it to a maximum of two lines per text. Anything longer and you’ve lost his interest. Over-texting, over-talking and over-calling is simply a no no if you’re trying to get the guy. These were my findings, but they were bullshit. I say: send away! If you can hit them up with some messages reminiscent of a thesis written by a PhD student, then you will get that son of a bitch. Guys love long texts, don’t look at how guys text each other for research, yeah they text each other all one word each, forget that, give them a short story and make it as negative and moany as possible. And don’t forget to put in EVERY single minor detail of your day, they love that!!! You had to queue for the microwave at work? Tell them!! Who was in front of the queue, what were they wearing, what were they microwaving for lunch, what did you talk about, and what were your thoughts as you waited? Tell them!
Thanks to you all for your visits, and my gift to you in return, as always, is my advice.
My good advice.
Now go forth and conquer, bitches!