The first one after the one before

Today’s story subject is even more fun than the last! We are going to discuss the first sexual encounter you experience after a breakup.

Having just been released from the shackles of a relationship, it can be quite an occasion sleeping with a new person. So the following is a LostItGirl Fable which could come in handy if this ever happens to you. With a moral of the story and everything.

Now, firstly this is only relevant if the relationship was from like two to six years, and secondly, sadly you have to have been loyal in this relationship. So unfortunately that rules out most of us. But we can still enjoy it.

The stories

So the relationship comes to an end for whatever reason. Common sense won the day, perhaps. After this, you’re either going to be grieving or you’re going to be livid. Regardless of what you are, you’ll still have these stages of a break up.

READ: The Seven Stages of a Breakup

But, despite these emotions, the first one after the one before is going to be daunting. And I’ve collected some stories as proof. Shout out to my new house mate for this first one. She’s moved in and she is a complete LostItGirl. She was with some dude for four years, they split up, and then she moved in with me. She told me her situation, my first words were: “Get the fck on Tinder and get the first awkward fck out the way.”

So she did. And here’s how that and another story went…


The same penis for four years in a row; imagine… The prospect of a new one is obviously daunting for some people (this really only illustrates why you should cheat; to keep your eye in. But hey, that’s just my asshole opinion). Like any true LostItGirl, our housemate friend knew that drinking alcohol before a date is a definite necessity. Unfortunately, she drank a bottle of wine, which is pretty excessive.

He turned up and they hung out. She consumed another bottle, which takes it to beyond excessive. I mean, that would see me in bed on a Xanax, but she’s pretty badass. She then found herself in a gay club where he proceeded to pole dance (I literally hurled at this part of the story). This sent her immediately to the bar where she thought shots would help her unsee what she’d just seen. Can’t blame her for that part. It didn’t work.

Fast forward a few hours and here they are back at her place. One thing leads to another and they begin to fck. Then she decides that now would be a good time to throw up all over him. Having doused him in her own vomit, he suddenly disappears into he night. There was, however, a text to come (cute). It read: “If you’re the kind of girl that gets that drunk, you’re not the girl for me.”

To which she replied: “I didn’t fancy you anyway.” 

Way to claw back some of that good old dignity…

The second story is, in contrast, a bit heart wrenching.

Our subject is fresh out of a one-and-a-half-year relationship where the guy just turned into a total cunt. One believes he was probably always was, and she was just blind to it. He began to play those kind of mind fck games which men can do once the relationship ends – or at least the psycho ones do.

She was pretty broken; not eating, only surviving on brown liquor. She was basically mad, but as a LostItGirl she knew the old saying: “In order to get over someone it’s best to get under someone.”

So she loaded up Tinder and took her size zero ass out on a date where it wound up with her back at his, and… under him. Once under him, she proceeded to “silent cry”.  He was on top of her having a great time and there she was silent crying into his shoulder. He never realised, she hid it well.

Through these two examples we are led to understand that the first one after the one before is quite an important one to get right. The fact that one got so drunk they vomited on the guy and the other spent the occasion silent crying suggests that it’s difficult for most of us to deal with this re-entry into the sexual world.

My recommendation? Go for a complete twat you don’t care about. That way, none of this happens with someone that could be worthwhile.

Last time I managed a relationship over a year my first one was a pop star, which I also highly recommend.