The gatekeeper

My friend recently gave me some advice which came via a friend of her own (who sounds like someone I’d hate). Her friend told her this little nugget of wisdom and my friend thought it suited my circumstances. It didn’t.

The scenario

The footballer is back in the UK and he hasn’t bothered to tell me, but then he was with one of my friends the other weekend so I messaged and said: “Oh you’re back are you?”

To which he replied that: “Yes.” he was and how am I “babe”…

Rather than answering how this “babe” was, I said: “Ahhh you didn’t wanna tell me? You don’t rate me.”

I’ve never seen the guy type so fast. I hadn’t even put my phone on lock screen to put it back down before up popped: “I’ve only been back two weeks and I’ve not been in London…”

That’s pretty funny since he was with my friend in LONDON. Anyway, I just ignored that; my interest level plummeted below zero. The lack of honesty I found to be disappointing.

“Ah sorry, been so busy.”


“Hey sorry, I’m just not that into you.”

Those would’ve been more honest and appropriate responses.

I was telling this to my friend, while also claiming that I’m over him and I’m over Camden and I’m over Hat Guy because they are all fck wits. And she hit me with this winning statement from her friend (who sounds like someone I’d hate). It went as follows:

“You really need to become a better gatekeeper. Once you are a better gatekeeper you won’t let these types in.”

I asked for more on this. Let’s pretend we were all going to take a phrase like gatekeeper seriously (which FYI sounds like a stupid job? Standing by some gates? I mean hello they make electrical ones nowadays).

How are you supposed to know somebody is a grade A prick within the first 5 minutes? I mean, I know first impressions count an all. usually the first impression is something like:

He’s hot. He has the walk of someone that has an above average penis. His outfit is good, it says money. He’s tall. Let’s see the arms, oh now they’re lovely. Good teeth. Name? Who cares?

So you’re into it, and you’ve had your first impression. The fact he’s hot and all those things instantly tells you he’s likely a bit of a prick, but there are levels of prickness. You can’t possibly tell what level he’s at from that.

So let’s pretend to be a gatekeeper because it’s 1926 and they haven’t invented electrical ones yet. You’d have to ask the following within the first 5 minutes:

Do you reply to texts?

Do you hide your timestamp on WhatsApp?

Do you text between 9am and 10pm, or are you just an after 11pm texter?

How many girls do you have on your current rotation who are likely to get in my way?

Do you have an unhealthy porn addiction?

Are you recently out of a relationship and prone to breakdowns?

How many kids do you have that I’ll end up hating?

Do you own a CD collection?

Or if you’re psycho you’d have to ask the following:

What’s your relationship like with your mum?

Do you like pets/children?

Any baldness in your family?

Have you much infidelity in your past?

What are you exes’ names so I can contact them?

If I was to try the stupid gatekeeper route, how do I know what someone is like if I don’t invite them in for a green tea/beverage of their choice? I mean we can’t judge a book by its cover.

Like, take me for instance. I am freckle free, literally my face has no freckles yet when I’m In the sunshine out come a few freckles on my nose and it gives me this an “I’m so cute and innocent” look.

But I’m not. I’m a bitch.

So judging on looks is only going to get you in trouble.

No guy will tell you that they can’t wait to never text you back. You’re going to have to swap numbers to find that one out.

In order to find out that someone is a complete dickhead you have to let them in. Let them act like a dickhead and then decide if they are the right amount of dickhead for your needs.

I knew there was a reason this friend of a friend sounded like someone I would hate. Because she comes out with stupid stuff like that and girls probably sit round and lap it up. She will probably start a range of t shirts with “I’m my own gate keeper” written in pink. And people like Susan and Jane will buy them and feel all empowered but really they just won’t ever get laid.

Isn’t it super fun meeting a guy, thinking he might be the one, before swiftly finding out he’s a douche bag? I mean sure, it’s boring that so many guys turn out to be a disappointment, but personally I find it’s the discovery part that I find to be super fun…