The Panicship

A subject has been coming up a lot recently between my friends and I…

The panicship.

This is a bit like when you’ve bought fck all for your mum on her birthday and you remember you have to get something so you panic-buy something she definitely doesn’t want and will hate.

I usually panic-buy something and overcompensate with it costing three times the amount I would’ve paid had I not panicked.

Christmas Eve in the shops is another good example of panic-buying. Anyone who is in a shop on Christmas Eve is highly likely to be panic-buying.

You’ve left it to the last minute, all the good stuff is taken and you’re there just panic-buying whatever is left over – which is usually pieces of coal and maybe some advent calendars.


I really struggle ordering food at restaurants because I never look at the menu. Who has the time to read the whole of a menu? So when everyone else is ready to order the pressure is on and I have a battle in my mind over wtf to get and whether I should even be eating in public. I end up panic-ordering. It always works out well for me because I end up ordering something dreadful and can’t eat it, or I order about 28 things, because variety is the spice of life. Ordering food; it’s just like my love life really.

So the panicship works on the same premise.

I know so many people who do it, and if I’m to be totally honest, it seems I’m one of them too…

Usually the panicship will take place around birthdays or on occasions which make people question singeldom, but as with any bullshit it can really occur at any time.

Essentially the panicship is a manifestation of a long line of fck boys, idiots, one night stands, etc. So you panic-buy the first person you can. And everyone can see it, except you. And we all do it.

Things to make you enter a panicship:



Too many girls with those weird pouty fish lips

Mummy’s boys and guys with kids

Girls that speak in a baby’s voice

Guys that don’t speak

Girls texting too much

Guys not texting back

Girls getting their feet under the table too quickly

Guys never staying the night

Meeting your match

Never getting a match on Tinder

Your 456th one night stand

Your 246th one night stand

Chicks hassling you for a date to meet up

Men who are unable to set a time/date to meet

Woman who are so desperate to mate and conceive they conduct a date/one night stand like a job interview for Amazon

Men whose family history shows signs of your kid possibly balding early/being ugly/having mild mental issues

We’re all on the search for someone we have minimum levels of hatred for and so we work our way through 100’s of potentials and fck ourselves bored – and then comes the panicship. There is no sign you’ve done it; you don’t consciously think “I am so bored of this life and I’m not getting any younger so the next person I don’t hate on sight or after date three I’m gonna be with.”

You don’t know you’re doing it, but you may find yourself in one so here are some signs to look out for:

Signs you’re in a panicship

You’re not very happy

You think about your exes

You enjoy winding him up

Everyone including your family thinks he’s a cunt

He’s selfish af

You’ve ruined your whole life for him

You only do what he wants

You’re low-key embarrassed by him

His family are annoying af

You hate how he dresses

He doesn’t laugh at your jokes

He doesn’t want a pet dog/he wants a pet dog and you don’t

You have wildly different ideas about the word “fun”

You think he’s the best you are going to get, even though you would never hang out with him if he was of the same sex and it was friendship-based – in fact you would actively despise him and get annoyed if another friend invited him

He can’t spell

You regret it…

I have found myself in a mild panicship lately, and I’ve not even told anyone about it. Mine is called the Premiership-panic, which comes as a result of playing in the Premier League and being fully bored of it, so I’ve decided to dabble in the local 5-a-side game. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, because it’s all too much for me to tell for now.

But look for the signs of a panicship. It’s a thing. Some people can be blinded by it for years; it’s a shame really. Or is every relationship just a panicship? A reaction to the one that got away? It’s hard to say for sure. All relationships are stupid nowadays, it’s just not like it was before iPhones came…