The two-date break up

My friend recently went on a date with someone from out of the internet. If you ask me, that’s your first fckin mistake right there, but I wasn’t involved at this stage.

They went on their first internet date, and believe it or not, apparently it was a smash hit. I must stress, my friend is super fussy, which is fine. If you have a certain list of standards that must be adhered to, then good for you (you might have to loosen them up a touch when time begins to become unkind), but as a fussy little fcker it was extra impressive that the date went so well. We were all quite thrilled.

But here’s where the fairytale ends… And the following moves represent the reasons why.

First up, she texted. First.

This is the wrong move.

Obviously, if we all went around liking people and never contacting them, everyone would be single forever. I feel like with myself, some of my failed relationships with my imaginary boyfriends have gone poorly because we liked each other but were far too cool, weird or fcked up to do anything about it, but this isn’t my story. Also, I tell myself that because the reality is probably far more disheartening. I digress.

I advised her not to text, and he also was being advised not to text by his friends, so unless one of you caves what you’ve got here is a whole lot of dead air. But the reason my side of the party shouldn’t have texted is because the end of the date was left with the other side saying he would text. So my advice was to stfu and wait for him to be a man of his word. Easy really. Well you would think so, but my advice is rarely listened to, not even by myself. So she fckin texted. Pathetic.

All was not lost though, because he replied in the required amount of time and date two was arranged.

But the next error in judgement was not far around the corner. The date was to occur the day before Valentine’s. She had made a fckin Valentine’s joke and also used the word “LOVE” in the text thread.

How many times must I tell people that men don’t read texts properly? All he heard were alarm bells as the words “Valentine’s” “Day” and “love” popped right out of the screen as though in bright red capitals adorned with ribbons and surrounded by angels. What she’d done here, was instantly paint a picture in his mind of her texting whilst wearing a wedding dress and stress-drinking.

To some it seems innocent and stupid. But so are men (stupid not innocent). That’s all they see, I don’t even know if it’s conscious, probably not. But I can get a guy over in 20 minutes by replying to their “what you doing?” text with a: “not much, just in bed” response. All they see is the word “bed” and then, as if teleportation existed, within 20 mins they are in it.

Anyway because she texted first, and badly, not taking my advice, a day later she received this:

“Hey sorry for late reply. I’ve been thinking and we had a great time. Was a really good night for me, but how I’ve felt since is that maybe I’ve got back into dating a bit early for me, I probably need a bit more time alone, hope you understand.”

Note their overuse of the words “me” and “I’ve”. Selfish, yes, but also straight out of the Men’s Health guide to “letting her down gently”.

Basically he was petrified and wanted out, and I fully believe it’s because she didn’t “play the game”. The game is shit. I hate it. I rebel against it. And I’m single. Sadly life is just one massive fckin Scrabble board full of made up words that nobody really understands how to use in a conversation. But when it comes to words such as “love”, you’re best off keeping those letters away from the board.


But shout goes out to him for at least addressing it and pulling the plug. I’d have just not turned up to the second date, because I’m an asshole like that. So it was super cute he sent a little second date break up text.

However, he did ruin her VALENTINE’S DAY, and she did not LOVE that. So instead she sat on the bathroom floor drinking JD from the bottle and eating Cheetos whilst wearing a vintage wedding dress.

I told her to do this, and it’s some advice I think we can all get onboard with.

Bye for now.