The Good Party

I recently went to the cooooolest party that you’ve never been to.

First off the venue was the only venue you can seriously hold a party in, like I am wildly jealous I’ve never had a party in such a great venue.

It was in a car show room.

It was a super braggy car shop. I’m talking cars in the millions. I realised instantly that the party host must love me because he was letting me, MEEEE, me of all people, pissed, get up and around millions of pounds worth of cars. One damn car was worth £12 million – a £12 million car. The fck even is that?

But I learnt that’s real love guys. Trust like that doesn’t come from just anyone. To let me loose with a never ending stream of booze around cars like that (think of the bonnets and potential shots), well clearly they must like me.

So yeah the venue was great. The host Al had already nailed it venue-wise, but he also themed the evening. He’s well into that film called Back To The Future, so naturally he demanded the car made famous from the films. It has a name but as I don’t care and I haven’t wet the bed in the last 20 years, the name eludes me.

Time Machine

Time Machine

It wasn’t THE car (I imagine that’s in a Planet Hollywood somewhere) but it was one of THREE cars used in the film, no shoddy knock up for my old pal, Al.

So also there were huge screens everywhere beaming the movie.

The rules were that attendees must wear fancy dress from the film or the years the film spans (that gives you a lot of options), so naturally I dressed in my best Baywatch swimming costume.

I told some vaguely average looking guy that I was dressed like that because Michael J Fox is caught masturbating to Baywatch in the opening scene. I’m so good at lying on the spot, such a talent.

It started badly…

Sadly my friend Christian (who doesn’t like being mentioned in these blogs so now gets regular mentions), made us all remarkably late. Usually I like to attend gatherings of any sort as late as possible, I like the motto “I’m late or I don’t come”. But for this particular event I’d wanted to be there as early as possible. No, not to make the most of the free drinks, but because I have a lot of time for the host. Therefore in acknowledgement of this I thought it would be ok to attend early. Christian fcked all that up for me. What a prick. Hi Christian!!

I also happened to be wildly hungover. I mean, how I was even going to the damn party let alone going in a swimming costume was beyond me. In these circumstances though all you can do is drink thorough it. So drink I did. I mean I drank my body weight which only topped me up from the last night, thus turning me into an ultimate twat. Goodie.

Some things that happened

I hit on Al’s dad, many times.

Inappropriate dancing in a swimming costume.

Vodka measures of a rock star.

Calling a group of girls bitches because I didn’t know who the fck they were.

I hit on Al’s sister, a number of times.

Screaming at inappropriate decibels.

Slut dropping.

An inappropriate game with a bottle.

Filthy lies.

Sex on a car bonnet. Just kidding.

Actually I was pretty well-behaved, I just didn’t want to show up the host Al because I actually like him.

But because I was pretty well-behaved this time, I thought we could discuss some things I usually like to do at a party to make sure I’m talked about the next day.

Ideal Party Behaviour

Wear something inappropriate (I did that).


Throw a drink at someone.

Hit on everyone (but not the staff), but especially people in relationships. This is to be encouraged.

Strip but never ever take off your shoes. Nothing worse than a moment like that.

Dance on tables.

Throw things. Chairs are great, people are OK, animals definitely not.

Anything you can do to draw attention to your ass is great.

Always tell the DJ/entertainment they are shit even if they’re not. It’s so fun to ruin someone’s night and you mustn’t just leave that to fellow party attendees, extend it to the party entertainment too.

You're shit