Here’s an Uber code. Now use it to get the FCK out of my face.
On Friday night I found myself shaking my ass on Curtain Road until the early morning. It was fun, but when I realised it was nearly 3am – and despite having zero plans for the next day – I found myself declining Fabric for home (800 Albanians were devastated by this decision – ed). Not very normal behaviour that, but what can I say? I’d had my fun, I was pissed and I just had nothing left in me to give. So I said bye bitches and ordered myself an Uber.
Unbeknownst to me it was an Uber pool. Those sneaky Uberati bastards had put the Uber pool option where the normal Uber car option formerly was on the Uber App. They did this to prey on the pissed. I had no idea this was the case. It worked.
So when I jumped in the car, this super fun lady was like “We got to go make the other pick up now,” and I’m like wait WHAT? Usually I would refuse point blank to share my ride home with strangers and I’d jump out. Because I mean what a fckin risk? These strangers could be any kind of psycho.
Kebabs & STD’s
For instance, they may get in the cab clutching chips or kebabs. They could get in the car and throw up. I could catch an STD just from sharing a car. Based on some of the people I see at 3am on Curtain Road, none of these options are beyond the realms of possibility.
But luckily for all. I was in a super fun mood and all these thoughts escaped me. I was actually excited to make some friends. I do get lonely sometimes. This was going be fun.
In my mind I compared it to the lucky dip at the school fete. I used to love that shit. Bang your hand into a box full of confetti and pull out a gift of who knows what??? Super fun. I still do it now each work, but instead of a school fete it’s at sex parties, and instead of confetti it’s car keys. But whatever.
So, was I going to get boys, guys, girls, women, scenesters, city boys, a dog? Who knows? Who the fck even cares?
It was girls.
Two friends who were sober. So that made a car of four girls. Three sober, one pissed.
Once they clambered in I said hi as if they were some old mates I went to college with and hadn’t seen in quite a time. I’m talking cuddles, kisses, huge over-familiar greetings. I didn’t realise how weird this was until the next day. I mean would you sit on the tube and begin greeting everyone like you’ve known them all for years? No. You sit down and you stfu. It is exactly the same thing.
I then decided I should be DJ. At the top of my voice and no doubt in a slurred tirade I proclaimed: “Right girls, let’s bond over some tunes yeah?! Let’s get this party started! Anyone want a go on this bottle of cough medicine? No? No, OK suit yourselves! Woo yeah!”
So there I was, phone plugged in, smoking my e cig and swigging at cough medicine. I asked the two girls in the back what music they liked, but I already knew the answer.
I Knew The Answer
I make it my business to size up somebody’s musical taste in the first five seconds. I knew these were ones who like what I tell them to like on a daily basis. And I was correct. They very quietly (wishing I’d stop talking to them) told me they liked Rihanna and Drake. Easy, I got this (a challenge for sure – ed).
So I loaded up some tracks and only let about 7.8 seconds of each one play because in my head I was in the mix and leaving them wanting more. I was not.
I was just that annoying person that flicks through the channels at a rate of someone who’s just done some speed and learned how to dab.
I then decided that what they all needed was a good lecture. So on Beyoncé went. Now I must stress the Uber driver was laughing the whole time and loving it. The two other passengers were petrified.
So then I began my “Lemonade” lecture.
“You have to watch it. What the fck are you playing at just listening to it. Are you all stupid? It’s a visual album for a reason, not for a joke. If you don’t watch it you’ll miss out on the chance for a prosperous life (a touch dramatic but hey, that’s me). You’ll die not knowing things like that Beyoncé once abstained from sex and looking in mirrors for 60 days!”
On and on it went. They got the backstory to the poetry. They got a monumental lecture that in actual fact Jay Z isn’t embarrassed. Jay Z helped make the whole thing. The taxi driver had posed the question about Jay Z and his infidelity so I took this as encouragement and off I went into the depths of hov’s cheating. They would have been forgiven for thinking that I was imagining Jay and Bey were my long time friends.
Then, not prepared to finish there I decided to bring up the racial elements of the album.
The Race Card
I decided as the singular white woman that I would discuss this to a car of three black women. Why not?
Although it does have elements of racial ‘insight’, a lot of people seem to think much of ‘Lemonade’ is solely based on what it was like to be a black woman growing up in America, and it certainly nods to that of course.
But a rather large portion of the world can’t relate to growing up as a black woman in America because the whole world isn’t a black woman in America. Some are men, some are of different ethnic backgrounds and some are not American, so if she only focused on that she would have left out a very big selection of her audience. This is not the kind of move that Beyoncé is known to make. I think the word “accessible” is probably at the heart of the Mind Map when it comes to planning an album by the former Destiny’s Kid singer.
By making the whole thing about the struggle of having a man and being in a relationship? Now EVERY woman can relate to that. Show me one woman that hasn’t been fcked over by a douche guy. FS, most of us get done over by our dads bailing out when we are aged 5 and under so it is certainly a very relatable subject.
To make a hit record that will stand the test of time, a relatable subject matter of this kind is certainly a very intelligent way to go. The guy is the fckin lemon. Life is the fckin lemon. Anything you want can be the lemon. Like for me the lemon was my mind, and I made LostItGirl the lemonade.
As we neared my drop off I really think I’d won them over and I was certain they would later watch Lemonade and think about that crazy drunk white-assed Uber girl.
I like to think this.
Anyway I finished up yelling. You like to think you’re talking at a reasonable volume but I’m clever enough to know I would have been shouting. I did make them laugh quite a lot, although whether it was at me, with me, or nervous laughter is up for debate. I personally had a super fun Uber pool and although it was by accident, I might choose to participate in one again. It’s really cool having an audience who can go absolutely nowhere and have exactly zero opportunity not to listen to everything I say. I rounded off the journey by putting on Designer’s ‘Panda’ and doing an impression of him. Think Mick Jagger on ‘shrooms.
They enjoyed it.
I then swagged out with a simple toodlepip. I swear I heard a round of applause upon my exit.
By the way, someone’s written a song about Uber. It goes something like “I don’t wanna kiss her, cause I know she sucks dick” and then he gets Ubers everywhere. It will be a mild hit, but the foolish man should have based it on Uber pool.