Verbal intercourse

For those of us that still haven’t found ourselves a virtual Zoom relationship, time’s basically up now. It’s looking like face to face contact, as weird as that sounds, is soon to be the only route left for trying to get something going down with a boy.

That means Summer 2020 is really going to be make or break, and it’s also really going to be all about the personality. We all got fat in lockdown, which is obviously a fckin disaster, so there won’t be a summer body on offer to be able to side step any unnecessary conversations. It’s going to be all about verbal intercourse, which is also a fckin disaster. For through verbal intercourse, our brains are all going to be fully exposed.

And it’s not just about trying to attract someone to want to have sex with you, it’s also about conducting day to day conversations – with the shop men and women, the post office men and women, the train men and women, and worst of all, your fckin friends, family and colleagues. For me, I have a huge dislike for the majority of these kinds of people. My only hope is that the acting skills I so eloquently perfected over a long period have not deserted me during this enforced separation from those I hate.

How do we converse with people we don’t really like, have nothing in common with, haven’t seen for months, but actually do know and will have to talk to?

It’s like when you come back from your three months in rehab during 2016 and you’re in the “staff kitchen”, halfway through making your green tea, when in comes Karen who attempts to strike up a conversation about, something like there not being enough clean teaspoons, or someone not washing up their shit (oh fck off Karen).

My go to reaction here is to flash a look of utter disinterest which usually scares them off and they quietly busy themselves getting their disgusting milk from a cow out of the fridge. By the time they’ve turned back around I have moved away from the hot water thing and I’m out of the kitchen.

But looks of disdain won’t always do, and we will inevitably be forced into some conversations post-lockdown.

Perhaps stuff like this:

Person: “OMG I forgot what you looked like!”

LIG: “I like that.”

And I do. I am ALWAYS forgetting what people look like. My brother, my bff, my bgf. I’m onboard with this one.

Person: “I’m so HAPPY to be out of lockdown!”

LIG: “This is the worst time of my life.”

I’m far from happy, I excelled in lockdown. I sometimes think my whole life has been building up to a lockdown.

Person: “Wow I didn’t think I’d see you again this year! OMG it’s so nice to be back, how was work without us lot? I hated working at home it’s so nice to be back bla bla bla…”

LIG: “You’re over-compensating here. I’m going to go ahead and guess you’ve not had sex or any form of physical or emotional pleasure for quite some time. I’d give you a reassuring hand on the shoulder, but… two metres and that…”

I’ll probably feel sorry for this person because all their over talking will only show they self-isolated… I might pity smile at them because I do practice that whole ‘be kind’ mantra on certain days.

Person: “How was lockdown for you?”

LIG: “Better than yours. Bye.”

Of course there will also be those you are actually excited to see, in which case my go to will be:

“Fully fckin embrace me daaaarling…” or something quite similar.

Do try to think of some interesting lines to reintroduce yourself into the human race… Better than the ones above. I can’t do everything for you.