Week Z

I Googled the term “cold turkey”, and it turns out that cold turkey is not what I have been doing at all.

“Cold turkey” refers to the abrupt cessation of a substance dependence and the resulting unpleasant experience, as opposed to gradually easing the process through reduction over time or by using replacement medication.”

Well, yes I was addicted to a substance and I was certainly dependent on it. The substance was D. But I would say I’ve been “gradually easing the process” as opposed to going cold turkey.

And here’s why:


He still goes to my gym. It’s where we met. And so obviously I was bound to bump into him. It started a text war. I mean, I’ve not actually been with him so I can’t be too mad at myself. But a text war wasn’t really needed (although I got a lot off my chest). Sometimes telling someone about themselves feels really good. It felt good. I wasn’t even that mean to him, all things considered. He had reasons for not looking after me when I was sick. Something about how I’d told him I had no feelings for him and he was nothing more than a bone to me. I don’t remember saying this, but it sure as shit sounds like the kind of thing I would say. He said he missed me. Of course you do. I’m fckin chic.


I saw God. It was before I really understood cold turkey from the Google description. He’s fun. I like hanging out with him, and out of all the guys he is honestly the least harmful. He’s stupid. He laughs at my jokes. He delivers himself to my house. But I am under no illusion that we are anything more than a monthly hang out. So long as I’m not deluded it’s not really doing any harm, and it can’t stop me from finding someone better. He got slightly weird the other day, which is sad for him. He asked to move in with me. Most odd. Dude you’ve never even taken me out for dinner. Don’t you think moving in is a little forward? I think the drink and Xanax just made him talk a lot of shit, he’s probably embarrassed today, but also I tried to do a lap dance on a bottle and a half of red wine and a Xanax so I guess we’re both a touch regretful.


You know the hope brought by someone new? A newbie who could turn out to be a total wanker. We escalated things to Snapchat. He took one look at my story (a good 12 minutes of viewing pleasure), decided he “didn’t like” what he saw and proceeded to ignore me, and then not watch any of my other stories which were actually really good. Well, you can’t win ‘em all can you? I think I just wasn’t a quiet bimbo who uses Snap only with the dog filter. I don’t use any filter, I bareback my Snaps. And I have shit to say. But some guys don’t like that, or maybe he just thought I was fck ugly. Who knows? In fact, who the fck even cares?

I don’t even know what I’m doing now, nor am I aware of what it is that I want. It’s all very hard. I need to talk to my therapist because this whole experiment isn’t really working out. She said I had to “let everyone go in order to let someone new in.”

And here I am in the exact same stupid place. I’ll try and do better next week. But I can probably already work out how next week will go.

I’ll get drunk and have a one night stand with EDF then ignore him for a couple of weeks. I’ll probably get drunk and message 50. And I’ll probably ring God and ask if he was serious about moving in.