Why are guys so tight?

Why are guys so tight

Generally, and by generally I mean literally, I like to make everything all about me. If I’m out and someone else is getting more air time than me, I will do whatever it takes in order to make sure all eyes and ears are swiftly returned in my direction. I don’t know why this is, but my best guess is daddy issues.

But who’s therapising me here? No one. So every now and again I’ll let someone I don’t hate have a moment too. And with that in mind, today’s blog comes courtesy of my friend Natalie.

Her last one about planes and Tinder went super viral, so technically I’m still getting some benefit from it, and she’s more than welcome to guest blog as much as she likes. That is unless she gets skinnier than me, in which case then we would have a problem.

Today the beautiful and lovely and LostItGirl named “First Class Nat” (because she works in first class on planes and she’s classy) will be discussing tight assed guys.

Tight Xperiences

On my recent flight, the galley conversation between us cabin crew revolved around the usual subject – boys. We were talking about dates and it quickly moved onto the question: why are so many guys cheap these days?! (Because you’re hooking up with poor guys, and mostly guys won’t bother paying for dinner when some girls will give it out for a quick G&T – LIG).

OK I’m ready. Now where is a man with a medium-sized penis?

I had been speaking to this guy for a while and he asked me out on a first date. Now, if you’re asking a girl out on a date you should be choosing some chic bar or restaurant, NOT asking her “where shall we go?”

Where shall we go?

You asked me out, this is your moment. Impress me, show me you have a mind of your own and can make a simple decision like where you would like to buy me some overpriced cocktails.

Eventually he sent me a list of three restaurants to choose from because these were the ones for which he had “buy one get one free vouchers from *The Entertainer book.”

*The Entertainer is a discount voucher book we have in Dubai

Using Vouchers

It’s just not ok to use a voucher of any kind on a first date. Or at least if you do, do it without my knowledge. Like when I leave you alone to go to the bathroom to tell the group chat how badly the date is going and how much I hate your shoes and your face.

One guy messaged me just before our date asking me to remember my crew discount card. This card gets us cabin crew up to 50% discount in lots of bars and restaurants in Dubai, but I really don’t like using it on pricks.

Again, this is not ok on a first date. If I choose to use my discount card, then ok but NEVER ask for it. Do these idiots know nothing of first date etiquette?

I think turning up is the best you should hope for…

Food Court then Fck?

Or let’s talk about the famous story of the Pilot who took the First Class flight attendant to Dubai Mall food court on a first date. A fckin food court. There she was dressed to the nines in her new ‘So Kate’ nude patent Louboutins, and the surprise destination was a food court.

Because she is First Class, she was super polite and decided to stay for the dinner he had planned, but the final straw was when the bill came and he split it! Splitting the bill is not ok on a first date. (Yes it is. It’s 2016. Feminism has won! Gender balance and equality are here. Or am I wrong? Vote below to decide if a guy should pay on the first date or not – ed)

As a side note, if a girl is wearing Louboutins don’t take her anywhere that involves riding on an escalator. The superfine stiletto heels may get stuck in the grooves and then all hell breaks loose. This really happened to my housemate, Heather. I had to press the emergency stop button of the escalator and wait while the Emirates Towers security came to reverse it to get the shoes out. It wasn’t pretty.

One of the finest photos ever captured by a human

One of the finest photos ever captured by a human

Here's another angle. Y'know, just for the lolz...

Here’s another angle. Y’know, just for the lolz…

No Gift Giver

I dated a guy for a year and he didn’t buy me a single gift. Not one. Even when it was my birthday. In an attempt to overcompensate for me not being a millionaire (like he was) and showing him I wasn’t interested in him for his money I would buy him gifts from all my layovers. (If, like me, you think layover means a one night stand, it doesn’t. It means they have a day to wait before going back on the plane or some shit like that, but basically it’s not sex – LIG).

It started when he asked me to get him a Boston Red Sox baseball cap from my Boston trip and that was the start of him getting a hat and a jumper from every US layover I went on while we were together, and that was a lot.

Actually, when we were in Barcelona (before you start thinking he took me there, he didn’t. He came to meet me on a layover) he got me a keyring of an elephant from one of those homeless people that sell shit. I did find it really cute that he was supporting the homeless guy and I kept the keyring until it fell apart two weeks later, just like our relationship.

Here, have this keyring. It’s shit.

He dumped me two days before Christmas so my dad can thank him for the really expensive ‘Art of shaving’ kit and aftershave I re-gifted for Father’s Day.

The Don’ts

To finish off I will leave you with a list of Don’ts for first dates:

– Do NOT use any form of discount card/voucher (at least not with your date’s knowledge).

– Do NOT take a first date to a food court.

– Do NOT split the bill (this comes with time, after you have been dating a while).

– Do NOT forget your bank card.

– Do NOT take her to ladies night where drinks are free and ask to share her drinks.

And here’s some from me (LostItGirl) for the guys:

– Don’t cry on your first date, wait until the second.

– Don’t bring your mum.

– Don’t tell the girl how many women you’ve shagged.

– Don’t go to the cinema.

– Don’t say you are going to the cinema then in the cinema car park pull out your iPad and suggest watching a movie in the car on Netflix instead as it’s cheaper.

– Try not to be a c**t.

Also, girls – don’t date guys in Dubai full stop by the sounds of it.

Thanks First Class Nat, that was fun! And if you, the reader, are not threateningly hotter than me with a perfect BMI, please feel free to share your LostItGirl tales with us. You know, we’d love to hear them…