27 Works Christmas Party do’s and do nots

Things to do and not do at a works Christmas party:

1. Do dress slutty.slut

2. Don’t make out with your boss.

3. Do tell your boss you hate them but say you were just kidding afterwards. Even though really you mean it.

4. Do winter whites, and avoid black and most of all: sparkles.

Nailed it

Nailed it

5. Do make out with someone you’ll regret.

6. Do ruin it for everyone.

The only thing worth doing...

The only thing worth doing…

7. Don’t throw up. It’s never OK, but if you must, do it on someone in the office you hate.

8. Don’t eat mince pies, egg nog, or anything really.

Egg Nog?

Egg Nog?

9. Do drink everything and anything.

10. Do do a lap of the venue three to nine times as though you’re the Second Coming, just doing condescending high fives to people you don’t even know.

11. Do say “OMG this song is totally about me,” any time Taylor Swift is played, then dance like you actually mean it.

12. Do sit on as many guys’ laps as you can and make bad Santa jokes.

Santa whore

13. If your works Christmas party is actually at your place of work, don’t photocopy body parts. It’s a very 90’s thing to do. Instead, try something even more mad, like put the A4 paper in the A3 tray – really use your imagination.

14. Do tell the person who wore tinsel or some other Christmas regatta that they have basically won at Christmas, then say only joking.

tinsel

15. Do a novelty dance. Personally I went for Drake’s ‘Hotline bling’, but just do whatever you feel at the time.

16. Do take the dud geezer in a tie, and do a tie dance (this means you play with the tie seductively then take it off and put it round his head, £50 says he wears it like that the rest of the night).

Tie

17. Don’t take home or even use any “novelty” items that may be available in the venue. A whacky wig? Giant sunglasses? Big balloon? No.

18. Do use imaginary mistletoe in order to make out with the guy you like.

Mistletoe

19. Do start the hokey-cokey.

20. Do flash.

Santa

21. Don’t fall over.

22. Don’t start a mardy clique. Integrate yourself into many, many, many groups and insult them all.

23. Do try your hardest to be the next day’s gossip. If you’re not, you’ve failed at Christmas.

24. Do cry to Mariah’s ‘All I Want For Christmas’.

Well somebody certainly looks ready for Santa to empty his sack...

Well somebody certainly looks ready for Santa to empty his sack…

25. Don’t pretend you are Mariah and give it your all to the song.

26. Before you say or do anything, ask yourself: “Would HR have a problem with this?” If the answer is “yes” then say or do it as loud and obnoxiously as possible so everyone knows about it.

"Rumour has it you had quite the time at the Christmas Party, yes? Now you listen here you rat fck, there's a time and place for fun and games, and while I'm here, it's only me that will know when that time and where that place is. OK?"

“Rumour has it you had quite the time at the Christmas Party, yes? Now you listen here you rat fck, there’s a time and place for fun and games, and while I’m here, it’s only me that will know when that time and where that place is. OK?”

27. Do go to work the next day to revel in your horrendous/chic behaviour.

Happy Christmas works party. And if you need any help with anything or just want to call me fat or stupid, or funny or mental you can do that here (ASK ME). I won’t know who you are but you don’t know who I am, so that’s fun.

XO I’maHOE

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